The Perils of Coke Dick

Be honest – we’ve all been there. Feeling better than you thought was humanly possible, and why not? You’ve probably spent all the money you own, your septum is screaming at you and you’re numb from head to toe. But who gives a fuck? You have won. You’re not alone and there’s a good chance the girl you’re with feels the same way. With one exception.

She’s ready to go. You’ve told her your life story, and how you’re going places, and your mum’s house is just the first step in your master plan to be the world’s most successful businessman, athlete and human being. She’s pretended to listen and probably told you the same sort of thing. You clicked on a chemical level and a somewhat romantic level too. It’s time to seal the deal. Neither of you care that you’re sweaty before you’ve even done anything. That’s true love by definition, and what greater expression of love is there than clumsy, long-lasting, drunk, high coitus?

There’s only one problem. A common problem; a scientific problem. A problem that really makes no sense when every other part of you is so excited. You can see your heart pumping when you look in the mirror. You tell yourself that you tried hard to get here, so why can’t you get hard when the hard work is over? Enter coke dick. The greatest sexual oxymoron of all time – how can something that makes you so excited stop you from getting excited?

Perhaps you’re reading this and think that I’m a drug addict and the reason I can’t get hard is probably because I sold my sperm for crack.  But let’s be fair – I’ve only done that like twice.

The medical analysis is that cocaine constricts and tightens the veins needed to achieve a glorious erection. In other words, when the blood vessels aren’t dilated enough for blood to pump through them, you cannot achieve wood. In even simpler terms “if no one can get to their seats, they can’t give a standing ovation”. This is a well known problem, although it has no medical term. Some refer to it as ‘whisky dick’, but I doubt you’ll find that in a medical journal.

There is one method for cocaine use that actually lengthens the time you can stay erect. It’s not pleasant, and the side effects may make you think it’s not worth the risk –injecting cocaine into the urethra. Your penis will stay hard for hours. In fact it will stay hard for so long that in at least one recorded case it will fall off, but hey, by the time you’re finished you probably won’t mind. Although in the same case four of the gentleman’s fingers had to be removed due to gangrene.

This problem is a common topic on many forums. Prevention and cures range from thinking about your favorite porn, to doing more coke. I believe the latter would be counteractive, but I’m no doctor.

The truth is the only cure for coke dick is to do less coke. Sure it’s fun and it makes you feel pretty special and when you start it’s generally damn hard to stop, but wouldn’t you rather get laid? Sex affects the same dopamine receptors as cocaine and you don’t have to spend half an hour looking for it at the bottom of your pocket.

This problem isn’t specific to cocaine apparently. Just about all drugs and alcohol can stop you from getting a boner. Even prolonged use of Viagra can cause impotence. It seems like a great irony that the most successful aphrodisiacs are also the world’s best moment-killers. Maybe it’s time we started racking coconut water and goji berries. Instead of talking about how we’re going to open a restaurant one day, we can brag about how hydrated we are.

Unless it’s free. Of course.