Sexy Snacks and Sticky Backs

My adventure began when I borrowed friend’s hard drive to steal Rear Window and Citizen Kane (OK, I was stealing Fast & Furious 5 and Mean Girls 2 – they are sooooo much bitchier in the second movie). Now, as every male does when they find their friend’s porn folder, I copied it without hesitation and settled with the fact that I was unlikely to watch Fast & Furious for at least a couple more days.

I soon returned my friend’s hard drive without mentioning my clandestine piracy. I went home and prepared for my illicit night alone. I lit some candles, dimmed the lights, and began.

The first movie I opened was Pirates.

A classic in many connoisseurs’ eyes, but also a film I’d watched many times before, so I moved onto the next XXX adventure.

This piece was called Bananas.

I didn’t give much thought to the title as my mind was only concerned with one thing at that point. The first scene was guy, guy, girl – which isn’t really my thing, so I jumped straight to the second scene.

Let me recreate the scene for you: it starts with the classic, but much loved pizza delivery scenario. The pizza man arrives with the pies, and my interest piques as its revealed that the scantily dressed female protagonist can’t afford to pay. Obviously, the only way to make the exchange is to offer sex. Obviously.

A true showing of fair trade.

However, rather than putting the pizzas in the oven to stay warm, the women starts rubbing the deep crust pepperoni all over her lady parts. Jarred out of the moment, my first thought was that she would definitely ruin her skin doing that.

Hoping that the crust on crust action was an aberration (she didn’t appear to wash too well) I decided to utilise the fast-forward in hopes that they would leave the pizza alone and I could focus on my meat lovers. However I could not be more wrong.

The pizza was used in all parts of the copulation, from first base all the way to the home plate; they basically had a threesome with Dominos.

I was a little disheartened but I didn’t give up. I skipped straight to the next scene. This time there were no elaborate set ups. It was from start to finish a buffet of dicks, tits, whipped cream, and burgers; a cornucopia of cocks and chocolate sauce.

This scene also included bananas, thus justifying the film’s name and it was only afterwards that I finally realised that I had unwittingly copied my friend’s food fetish porn; I also realized that I would never be able to go out for ice cream with my friend again. I had stumbled across food play for the first time and I could immediately cross it off my bucket list. I love food and I love sex, but I love them in that order.

The concept of it all did stay with me though, and after a while I discovered that food play is hugely popular. People everywhere are locking their doors laying out tarps and pouring baked beans all over their lover.

The fetish is often referred to as sitophilia and it incorporates basically anything you can find at your local market. There are many variations of sitophilia, ranging from masturbational tools such as a warm apple pie or cucumbers, to eating hotdogs off your partner’s back during sex.

Sitophillia will often include sploshing or WAM (wet and messy). Sploshing is another fetish where being covered or watching someone covered arouses the participant or participants.The difference between the two, however, is subtle. Eating particular foods can stimulate sitophilliacs, such as a really sexy peanut. They will also use food as a similarly shaped tool, like a cucumber or carrot. Sploshers, on the other hand, just like to be covered. But like any great hip-hop album there is often collaboration.

Food play doesn’t stop there. It gets really specific. For example, nyotaimori refers to being aroused by eating sushi off a naked body. Obviously that one is big in Japan.

Eating and sex are two of the most basic human needs, so it’s unsurprising that some people feel the need to incorporate both into the one act. Personally, I’m terrible at multi-tasking, but I’m great at cooking. Though, if I invited a girl over for a lovely dinner and she started fucking the entree I’d probably be a little disappointed.