Forever Alone? Get Off to Some Fan Fiction

The realisation came to me as soon as I took the cling wrap covered meat from my local Coles supermarket; it was on special for $10, but I'm pretty sure I couldn’t eat four cuts of porterhouse steak on my own. Sigh.

Don’t get me wrong though – being single is fun and somewhat liberating because you don’t have to worry about doing something horribly embarrassing in front of your significant other. Being single is fun, because app creators make services like Tinder and RSVP just for people like you when you’re ready to jump in the pool of dating. Being single is fun because there will definitely be days where you don’t shower for a whole day because you’re binge-watching the latest episodes of Game of Thrones – and you feel so badass because you don’t give a shit about it.

Despite the many pros to living the single life, however, let’s be honest – when it comes to nookie time, there’s only so much your battery-operated lover can give you. There’s no one to share your stupid cat photos with, no one to talk about that sleazy guy you work with, no warm cuddles at night, and sometimes, maybe sometimes, no one to share your kinky fetishes. All of these could be happening, and more, if only you just had someone. And no, I’m not talking about a one night stand, the friend with benefits, or even your number one girl from your preferred gentlemen’s club.

Luckily, I still have a few single friends, and we got talking about this particular matter and what they do to pass the time. With what I got from my friends and from trawling around the Internet, I found that most single people have very interesting ways to deal with, well, being single. Yet surprisingly, watching porn isn’t the only way to go when you’re feeling a little frisky. Where else you ask? Well, if you go into fanfiction.net and search for your favourite book, animé, movie or TV show, writers from all over the world will have written something to suit your taste. This particular website houses millions of wannabe authors or simply those with imagination that can’t be contained in a jar. Not sold yet? Then, have a read through this excerpt I found in the Harry Potter archives:

“”Fuck Granger,” he hissed she was so tight and so perfect he couldn’t help but bury himself deeper into her, her tiny whimpers of pleasure were a sign to continue, slowly thrusting and allowing her to move at her own pace. Soon, she was meeting his thrust, arching her back and Draco filling her completely. It felt like they had done this before, like it wasn’t the first time. She met his thrusts and he plunged deeper into her.”

That was Draco Malfoy and his “lover”, Hermione Granger – showing you how it’s done by the way. Expect your childhood to be slightly ruined when you tread the deepest, darkest and most sensual category in Fanfiction. There are heaps more, and some of the stories you see in that website range from sweet to ridiculously fucked. Some of them start out really sweet, where the guy woos the girl, and finally, after several days of sexual tension, the magic successfully happens in the bedroom. Other stories are actually quite intense, with themes of rough sex, dominatrix and even alieny tentacley lovemaking (hmm). 

There are other categories for these explicit stories. In fact, Harry Potter is the top selling inspiration of stories in the Books category, while Japanese animé, Naruto tops the bill. Star Wars outdoes other movies in the Movie category, while childhood favourite, Pokémon, can’t even escape the grasps of sensual writers all over the world.

There are plenty of other ways to get your heart racing even if you’re the forever-alone type, but if after reading this piece you decide to be adventurous and suss it out yourselves, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Or maybe, I should rather say, ‘enjoy’, you little deviant.