Bumping Uglies with a Professional Sexpert

Sex is one of the most natural things in the world. Most people lose their virginity in their late teens or early twenties. But for some, problems with intimacy can follow people like a dark, penis shaped cloud right into their middle ages. For most people, losing their V plates is a harrowing and nerve racking experience. The expectations are high – flowers, scented candles and Marvin Gaye as background music.

The reality, however, is far less stimulating – the first awkward touch and subsequent awkward touches, the acne-ridden teenager beside you asking if it “was good for you” that makes you recoil in disgust, the bumbling slapping of gnarly bits in a poor attempt to imitate a porn star. Or your partner’s sweaty palms on the bed head causing him to drop and thwack you in the eye with his chin, consequently cutting his lip thus bringing your encounter of the not-so-sexy kind to a screeching halt as you slump down onto to bed and watch Hercules the TV series in defeat. Such detailed yet fictional anecdotes, I hear you say. Such a creative writer, plucking such make-believe stories from the top of her head. Yes, indeed – I concur with you, dear reader. These anecdotes are in no way a sham. Who could possibly have such terrible experiences with virgins and continue to do so? One would have thought one would stop at, well, one. But no. One never learns.


Nonetheless, the good thing about your average Redditor, aka 40-year-old virgin, is that they have no point of reference. Anything that’s done to them will be new and exciting. On the other hand, bad sex isn’t synonymous with a virgin partner – trust me. Truly Horrid Sex (THS for short, which sounds like an STI) can occur with anyone despite his or her sexual skill level and definitely is not down to the fact that you just lie there.


For adult virgins, intimacy and confidence issues contribute to their lack of sexual experience. For those of you who are well out of your twenties and still haven’t had the wondrous experience of being balls deep in your lucky partner, there is still hope. In the US, there is a radical sex therapy course designed to help adult virgins to have sex. In this sexual education program, trained professional sex surrogates, or sex Jedi, guide their clients through their first time. The clients pay thousands of dollars for a 2 week hands on sex education course as to what goes where as they battle to overcome any issues with sexual intimacy.

Sex surrogates are therapists who are certified to have sexual intercourse. Despite sounding like glorified prostitutes, sex surrogacy is a step beyond traditional therapy – that is, communication of the problem and psychological exercises. Some people have traumatic sexual pasts, self-esteem and body issues, erectile dysfunction and physical disabilities that can make sex difficult. Unlike the guy you met down at the local pub, your sex surrogate won’t take your innocence and run like the wind. They’ll take a whole lot of your money first.


In Los Angeles, the birthplace of sex surrogacy, sex therapists are trained themselves for only 8 weeks. They coach and guide their clients during the process of gradual increasing of intimacy allowing them to go back in the world, with an enriching experience to share with others. Surrogates, like Cheryl Cohen, can have sex with up to 850 people in their professional lifetime. You really should be trained for more than 8 weeks to be able to deal with so much inexperienced dong.

Issues with penetration, touching another person or even saying sexual related words can feel strange and difficult for some. Being a certain way for so long takes time to adjust to change. Taking such drastic action once you’ve missed the boat to the land of peen is necessary for those who not only need a push to going all the way, but also consists of the accompanying psychological therapy. Sex surrogacy is a safe and controlled environment where the professional pays attention the psyche of the client and the client pays to have their cherry popped.

You know what they say, if you want the job done – get an expert.