Lifestyles Of The Poor And Homeless

Now I’m not talking about some far off, starving Africans or even that drunken guy with an overloaded trolley, bummin’ smokes on the Frankston line. I’m referring to our future prime ministers, doctors, lawyers, taxidermists, teachers and (arguably) thespians.

As successful as they may become, these unfortunate souls must first endure the perils of uni-hood. Wrought with pain and suffering, it’s that time of year when children’s mouths are ripped from the teat and made to suck the dry tasteless ‘boob’ of self sufficiency.

This month, University students become the city’s newest arrival, poisoning our streets with their vintage clothing, antisocial grass-patch congregations and outlandish “half-shot-skinny-soy-no sugar-macchiato” coffee orders.  As the city’s unemployment rates begin to rise, the local hobo’s ability to purchase a good n’ cheap secondhand jumper happens to decline. But what you see on the outside is only a response to what horrors befit the “new-age student”.

What is a “new age student”? Well, they come in all shapes and sizes, taking ownership of their own given niche but today we have been presented with a general stereotype that we can very simply dissect.



[a] Unique indie hairstyle that everyone else also happens to have

[b] Thick frame specks, regardless of whether or not they have any vision impairments

[c] Pre-owned clothing; worn to symbolize their poverty… I mean ‘ironic fashion sense’.

[d] Pink man bag to store lip balm, handkerchief, iPod/alternative music collection and anything else unrelated to study.

[e] Skinny leg jeans to second as compression leggings, helping to aid in recovery from all the miles spent walking around campus.

[f] Pants are slightly rolled up for some reason

*Note: sometimes a hat is worn too.

To add to this stressful time in their life, these woeful youth’s must either cough up a weekly rent payment to some greedy stranger or elsewise be trapped in a socially crippling abyss, sharing accommodation with the same lame, old humans who brought them into this world.

Yet, on final examination, one comes to understand why so many of these ill-fated scholars resort to weekend partying and filling their mouths with the cheapest, dirtiest goon they can find. So next time you see a bunch of drunken delinquent youths terrorizing your peaceful indie café/bar, just think about what they may one day become. And while you’re there give me a wave, because likely, I’m that useless, derelict Arts Student just exploiting university as a way to mooch off your tax for another 4 years.

Title Image Credit: Julia Chesky