4 Important Things Pornography Teaches You About Everything

Or, how porn makes our world a better, happier place.

Pretty much everything I know, that’s in anyway important, I have learnt from porn.

Go ahead, snigger if you want, go ahead, get that chortling out of the way because I’m quite serious about it. If you think carefully about porn, you’ll find that there is an ideology that drives it. Porn makes no conscious effort to adopt this ideology, it’s just there, embedded in its very fabric.

Ok, so what has porn taught us?

1. No one cares what you do for a living.

Men are so messed up, they are so concerned with status and money and power and it’s fucking up the entire world. The main reason men are so concerned with all of this is because they think it will impress someone enough for them to get laid.

Porn tells us that this is not the case.

Porn tells us that it’s not the high status jobs that get you laid: here’s a random sample of occupations of characters from the last ten pornographic films I’ve seen this week:

-Lawnmower repair person

-English teacher

-Motorcycle mechanic

-Tennis coach


-Airline stewardess


-Guitar teacher

-Pastry chef

-Convenience store clerk

-Shoe sales man.

I could write a much longer list, but you get the idea. Status does not factor into this at all.

2. All people are created equal.

Some people will tell you that the bible tells us this. Porn tells us the same thing.

If you look at enough porn you’ll notice that it’s an equal opportunity business. No matter what a person does, or what they look like they are represented equally in porn. If you look at enough porn you’ll also note that everyone’s orgasm is the same. The Asian orgasm, the black orgasm the white orgasm, these are all treated democratically in porn. Porn is a true democracy; a democracy of the orgasm. If you look at enough porn… actually you can never look at enough porn, so I’ll stop saying that now.

3. Love is the answer.

Religions are all ‘love thy neighbour…’ and ‘do unto others…’ and all that kind of thing, it’s all meant to be about love. However, religion is so often used to justify war. Porn has never been used to justify war.

In porn, all creeds and races come together. Or cum together. (Yes, I made that pun, you would have too…) Love is the answer, and when it’s not the answer, sex is good enough.

4. You look terrific.

You really do look fabulous; you are irresistible I can tell you this with confidence without ever seeing you. Porn has taught us all this. Look at the folks that are in pornographic movies. Look at Ron Jeremy. You may think ‘oh my god these people are hideous’ but this is subjective. It’s clear from porn that no matter how you look, someone is going to find you irresistible. Possibly a tennis coach or shoe salesperson will find you irresistible. And this is the same with real life. No matter what you look like, or think you look like, someone out there will think you are the ants-pants. Lucky you.

5. You are perfectly normal.

We all secretly, deep down, think we’re weird. Many of us entertain very specific sexual fantasies, we often wonder if entertaining these fantasies is normal. We wonder if we’re perverted. We wonder if anyone else out there shares our weird sexual fantasies. The good news is that they do.

In fact, not only do they share your fantasy, they can rent a film of which that fantasy is the subject. Basically, if you’re thinking about it, getting off to it or talking to your psychiatrist about it, someone has already made a film about it. So maybe it’s time to let go of that guilt or shame and treat yourself to a movie.

6. The meaning of life is sex (or happiness).

If you watch enough pornographic films you’ll find they don’t actually make much sense; a bunch of random stuff happens and somehow people end up having sex. Just like real life. It’s not complicated. You don’t look for meaning in the narrative. It’s not there. It’s all about the sex.

But this is not an empty thing at all, getting that sex and getting the sex you want involves being honest about what you want. And who you are. If there’s a moral to pornography, it’s this; be yourself and be honest.

There’s a lot to learn from porn, this really is just the tip of a huge iceberg, aside from all the Freudian stuff, if you interrogate porn for meaning you’ll find it will confess. And if you think about it carefully, most of your problems can be solved by simply watching porn and thinking about it. It’s cheaper than psychiatry and you can download it.



Read more from Oscar S. over at Warhol's Children