January of 2013 was a simple time in Earth’s history.
Flappy Bird had a few months until its release and subsequent enthrallment of humanity, so my acquaintances and I were using the last of our time as free thinking adults to discuss kickass jobs. I was midway through explaining a long-winded saga in which I was a drug baron when Morgan, my long-time collaborator and best friend, interjected loudly.
“I want to film porn!” she shouted. We all laughed at the thought of her giving directions to people fucking as she cranked film through a dusty, old camera. The topic changed soon after and we forgot about the discussion.
My friends and I can be best described as a collective of loners. We do our own things for weeks on end, and then hang out once or twice to update each other on our lives – and to confirm that we haven’t died. So it was a great shock when three weeks later, I receive a call from Morgan. She actually went and became a pornographer and wanted to know if I was interested in hanging at the studio for a few hours in between shoots. I kindly obliged.
The studio failed to meet my expectations, however. I went there hoping to see a seedy, rundown building filled with sex toys and greasy looking men with too many gold accessories; I was right about the sex toys, at least.
Morgan led me through the studio, decked out with several sets for webcam shows and photosets. Some of which were being used – I think I may have been the bane of a few erections as I haphazardly wandered past a webcam as a girl masturbated in front of it. If so, I apologise for nothing.
There was an incredible openness about the people who worked in the studio. Sure, getting naked in front of a camera is one thing, but to have an outsider present must be something else. This didn’t appear to be the case, however.
I was asked if I’d like to come along as a ‘spotter’ for an on-location shoot, which to this studio meant going somewhere public but slightly concealed – like an alleyway or an abandoned house. It was the former for this particular shoot. It was my job on this day to let the crew know if someone was about to walk on or within view of the set, so as to allow them to try to make it look like they were doing a university project instead of porn.
Cameras were rolling and everything was fine until I saw a police cruiser pull into the street we were filming off. I lost my cool and ran down the alleyway shouting “IT’S THE COPS!” which prompted the shoot to be halted for the day as everyone had to scramble down the opposite end of the alley with all their gear.
Needless to say, I’ve never been asked to return to the studio, although I do use that “University project” excuse to explain nearly anything out of the ordinary that I do.